I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Couch. On fire.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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