Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
