I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
