Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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