While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
