I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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