so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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