Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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