I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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