we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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