There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
