if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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