ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
