this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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