I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
