Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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