explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
