a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
