i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
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He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
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She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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