can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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