Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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