you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
