I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
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I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
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We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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