am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
