You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
