I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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