I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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