I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
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