thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
