I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I have demons in me.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
