The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize