yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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