So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
