we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
as a side note pls kill me
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
