i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
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I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
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I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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