I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
