Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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