You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
