I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
