I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
