i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
