Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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