That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
