man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
