You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
