I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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