Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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