i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
