im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
