Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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