Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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