Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
