marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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