if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
