My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
