OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
