It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
